If I Were President

As I rolled up to the polling station for Tuesday’s primary elections, a wave of madness came over me. It began with just a simple view of the lake where my polling station is located. Looking out over that water while melting from the parking lot was just too much to take. It took everything inside of me to keep from running into the water to cool off before going inside to cast my ballot. Sound judgement got the best of me, and I continued my walk inside. Plus, I doubt the poll workers would have appreciated me coming inside dripping lake water all over the floor. Actually, I know they wouldn’t have appreciated it because they didn’t appreciate my joke about political parties when they asked which election I was voting in.
The lack of humor from the poll worker only made me more frustrated. When did this country forget that it’s okay to laugh? I finished my civic duty and walked out of the building, the lake still ticking me off, my mind all over the place. For instance, why do we vote for a coroner? How difficult is this job that it only requires a high school diploma, or its equivalent? Furthermore, who wants to do this job? I don’t remember this option on Career Day in high school. Then again, if memory serves me correctly, the job that I paired with on Career Day was “coyote breeder.” I don’t remember what the questions were, or how I answered them, but coyote breeder sounds a lot more entertaining than Coroner.
I hopped in the truck and headed home, mind still racing about politics. How does one get into politics? Does money drive their decision? Public service? I’m guessing for most it probably begins with wanting to make a difference in your community. I began to think about things that I would want to change if I all of a sudden woke up and decided I wanted to go into politics. That said, I’ve comprised a short list of things that peeve me off for the moment. And in that short ride home…I dreamed big.
If I were President (told you I dreamed big), the first thing I’d do is get rid of all anti-hunting activists. I’m not sure there’s a larger group of lunatics in America today than PETA. Don’t believe me? Take a gander at any of their social media pages. These folks are nuts! Painting their naked bodies red and parading around grocery stores to intimidate shoppers buying meat. We’d give them the option to move to Europe or go to prison.
Next, trapping season on private land would be a year-round sport. Coinciding with this, Game Wardens would no longer be able to enter private lands without probable cause and a search warrant. You bought the land, it’s yours to do as you please. However, there’s a disclaimer. Owning the land doesn’t necessarily mean you can kill whatever you want whenever you want. It just means that if you do, you’d better keep quiet about it, or else Mr. Green Jeans is going to be paying you a visit. The days of non-warranted observation of private property would be over.
Third, the opening day of deer season would be a national holiday. Schools and jobs would shut down in order to encourage taking youth to the woods. The only businesses that shall remain open are banks since they shut down 287 days of the year already. Normal bag limits would apply, and a nationwide “Big Buck Contest” would take place. Winners from each state, except California, will be named and would be exempt from paying taxes for a calendar year. Also included for the winners will be a visit to the White House (newly located in Vicksburg) where we will dine on different species of wild game from across America.
Fourth, hunting/fishing licenses will no longer be required on private lands and public land licenses shall not exceed $20 per year. But where will we get the money to fund Game and Fisheries programs? Easy. We are going to quit sending tax dollars overseas to help other countries with their problems. America first, people! Stopping those payments alone should be more than enough to fund wildlife programs for the rest of eternity. The $20 license fee money will be used toward Hunter’s Harvest programs across the country to help feed the needy.
And last, Fishing 101 will be a college graduation requirement. There are a lot of great workers in America, but it’s hard for me to take advice from anyone that can’t catch a fish…no matter what we are talking about. For instance, if my accountant can’t tie a simple fisherman’s knot, do I really want him overseeing my taxes? Do you really want your doctor performing surgery on you if he doesn’t even know how to properly fillet a catfish? Nope! Teaching real life skills in college will be a must.
Humor aside, some of this stuff really should change. CWD testing during the velvet season only? Give me a break. Either do it all year or not at all. A free fishing day on July 4th? Fishing should be free every day. So, when the next election rolls around, cast your vote, and make it me, and if I win we’ll fish for free!